Unrequited Love: The Pains of Connection

I can’t really explain it. It’s just waking up after a cozy-long conversation at night with that person, feeling hurt, but you can function anyway. It is definitely different from depression.

Is that feeling of “Oh, I do tick all the checkmarks, but I’m definitely not the person you want.” It is feeling like a side character on a cast or show. It is a feeling of “I’ll never be enough.” It is a feeling of being worn down by the situation, leaving you like a rusty axe that doesn’t emotionally cut the wood anymore.

It’s not age, it’s not the looks, it’s not your inner world, it’s not health, it’s nothing, your friends will look at you directly and tell you: “Oh, but you’re gorgeous, you’re great, perfect, you’re loved.” Oh boy… I have way too many friends, all while feeling disconnected from everyone while being at an emotionally vulnerable all-time high.

Oh boy, how does it hurt added to all your insecurities. When you have never experienced rejection before because you were and probably still are a coward for these things most of the time. Your emotions make you pretty vulnerable, and you just feel how it hurts while feeling like you can hurt others… You look back at your past relationships, thinking of all your mistakes. But you know deep from within that you’re capable of loving and caring; you just wish you could be better for you and them.

You stopped caring about the soulmate bullshit; it doesn’t fit into a person like you anymore. Oh, but how do you love the highs, the fireworks, how much you laugh from across the table when you’re out with someone you feel safe with. How much do you love to get out of your cave and pick up your car keys just to go out and see that person. How much you love the coincidence of being close. How much you love the feeling of saying, “It’s late; you have to go home,” and waking up the next day, excited to get a text from them. Everything, from having inside jokes to creating beautiful memories. You start to guess there’s no other way for people like you. You love these things, and you feel so touched when you connect with someone at this level; you respect them so much that you can’t even think sexually about them; you can’t imagine anything pornographic about them. You just love them.

But sometimes you find yourself fond of people who don’t love the same way. You guess this is the case this time.

You’re tired, and you can’t find yourself recharging on a person you’re attracted to because you quickly get attached, and you hate that; you hate that they sometimes will be absolutely clumsy about your feelings, constantly mentioning their exes, affairs, all while suspecting you might also have feelings for them. You don’t know, and It sucks even more because you’ve listened to so many of their emotionally-clumsy comments that you already know about stuff that can positively tear whatever the hell is in your mind for both of you.

Oh, it sucks, it’s so castrating, but at the same time, it makes you look inside; it poses a meditation challenge, a challenge for the heart.

You feel brave enough to confess and talk about your feelings; in fact, you have the upper hand over those who aren’t friends with people they fall in love with: the comfort of being able to talk comfortably about anything.

Yet you’re so scared, so thrilled, overthinking about stuff while they might just be rolling with life, enjoying the day, not having you on their minds the same way you do about them, probably scared about them saying “yes” and end up fucking up anyways; fucking up because you’re just hurt by the clumsiness that’s already been there, and all the turmoil of feelings you’re left dealing with after having a lovely day together.

Oh, how it hurts, and how difficult it is nowadays, where dating apps suck big time, where putting yourself out there has hurt you badly when you’ve been already through uphill relationships, and how it hurts that someone who’s a person you feel moderately safe-with makes you think all of this.

What a rollercoaster. And you can’t blame them; Your inner world can get chaotic from all the problem-solving.

You try to listen to all the self-respect influencers, “Everything that’s not a defined yes is a NO.” “Why are you hurting yourself that much?”. Yet it’s such a beautiful feeling of falling in love. It can also be so destructive. You stop looking at others when you shouldn’t; your anima is filled by them, and you know inside that you should never be optional. Significantly, growing up constantly feeling cast aside by others, full of betrayal, trauma, and abandonment where you were so neglected by your caregivers, literally choosing whoever else, and how did it hurt.

You grow up with so many issues, feeling like you can’t respect authority most of the time, like you have to make them equals, feeling like all hierarchies are bullshit. And deep down within, fearing you’re just at the bottom of the hierarchy because of your vulnerability.

Maybe not; maybe it’s a strength, a double-edged sword. You hope it is. You expect this disdain for hierarchies to be what humanity needs to become a better species in a world where everyone can thrive.

Yet, regarding love, it’s such a beautiful and chaotic feeling. It changes lives, for good or bad; it’s a power, and you want to feel it; the sense of purpose, the sense of euphoria, the comfort of home, the inner jokes and laughs, the smell of their perfume in your clothes, the fun, the liveness, how little pieces of both worlds start making it into each other.

You’re scared of fucking up because you already love them, and partly you know that you could be fucking up the nice thing you have by taking it further. You’ve been to therapy, and you’ve already noticed a lot of disgusting patterns in the way your past relationships ended. You’re scared.

By now, the only thing you have in front of you is a decision. To confess or not, to keep that relationship or not, and hope it’s a rejection from them, to be brave enough to control your dark patterns and hope they’re on the same growth boat as you. You can also speculate about all the outcomes; maybe a friends-with-benefits type of thing wouldn’t be that bad? But that won’t make sense. You just don’t want to fuck it up.

The longer the time, the more chaotic things can be, yet not making it personal always helps. They say there’s a ton of people out there, even for us, that feeling connected to someone at that level is rare.

For now, you just crave for connection, and find yourself fighting with the despair. You hope to be able to solve this, while keeping the beauty, maybe some time will be good for you to stop looking at that person through the pink glasses of infatuation. Whatever it is, it’s worth feeling it. Whatever it is, you know you want to fully live it, because love will challenge you into that much needed change.